her name

Kyra.
We chose her name after she was born, then 4 days later changed it. We changed it because in my heart her name was Kyra. That may sound strange- but I don't know a better way to say it. Kevin was so gracious with me as I struggled the first few days calling my baby a name that didn't seem like hers, and simultaneously feeling as though I lost a baby. Needless to say that first week was very emotion filled in ways we didn't expect.

Since then I have felt somewhat guilty that my baby girl's name was not chosen because of it's meaning, but just because my heart wrapped itself around that name. Naming our baby was one of the hardest things in the entire process of having a baby! For some reason we felt so much pressure about it.

But the other day a seminary student (who happened to be studying Greek) commented on her name saying it meant something about "time." Confused I later did a search online and what I found was astonishing-

The name "Kyra" comes from "Kairos"

Kairos (καιρός) is an ancient Greek word meaning the right or opportune moment (the supreme moment). The ancient Greeks had two words for time, chronos and kairos. While the former refers to chronological or sequential time, the latter signifies a time between, a moment of indeterminate time in which something special happens. What the special something is depends on who is using the word. While chronos is quantitative, kairos has a qualitative nature. In the New Testament kairos means "the appointed time in the purpose of God", the time when God acts.
-Wikipedia

"The right or opportune moment"

"A time between"

"A moment of indeterminate time in which something special happens"

"The appointed time in the purpose of God"

"The time when God acts"

These statements of meaning speak to my heart in so many ways. Kyra came at just the right time, a time between two chapters of our lives, a time that felt very indeterminate. From the beginning I knew God gave her to us at the right and opportune moment, and I now see how through her God has and continues to act.

At the appointed time in the purpose of God Kyra arrived. God knew where we were and knew where we were going- He acts at the right time. And when he does, it is so special!

Praise be to God that he loves us so deeply and sweetly that he beautifully weaves into our lives these reminders that He is intimately involved and invested in our lives!

lately,...sorta

 Well I am now almost 4 months into this mom thing, and almost 2 months into this living in a new place starting over thing. I am really understanding all the strange things that both moms and displaced people do- for example, I have avoided this blog because I want the most recent post to remain being the birth story of my baby girl, because then maybe it will remain to be something that was "recent". Silly right? But if you are a mom you might have just read that and thought, or said aloud, "no!".

I know now, I get it.

So anyway- since that birth story my world has been turned upside down with both learning how to continue to function with a baby as well as moving somewhere that I know no-one when she was 7 weeks old. I am still sorting out my feelings about this move, about how God has provided in ways I don't like, and about the idea of being a mom in conjunction with every other role I have.

So I will probably take the next post to do some baby catch up via photos and snippits of Kyra's first few months, but for today I am going to actually post something I wrote right after we moved...

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So I knew that the Lord was going to use my baby girl to teach me some things and to open my eyes and heart to understanding more about his love for me- his child. I don't think I expected it so soon though.

When our baby girl was first born it was pretty easy to figure out what she needed- she only ever cried to eat, if she was cold, or if she needed her diaper changed (she also would cry when her tummy hurt but that was a very different cry).

But now that she is a little over 2 months old, she is starting to express herself in more complex ways. She now cries because she is bored, or because she is sleepy, or sometimes it seems she cries just to cry. So now it is more difficult to figure out what she needs. Whenever she does cry- I am fully invested in figuring out what it is I need to do to make her happy and can't do anything else until she is calm because of how it hurts my heart to see her sad.

The hardest cry for me to handle (aside from if she was hurt) is when she cries out of hunger. It breaks my heart every time she turns her head and roots the air looking for me- I've seen babies do this before, but now its different. In my belly she never felt hunger- but now she does. The moment I see that I scoop her up and hurriedly try to get situated to feed her. But it usually takes a few minutes and sometimes she doesn't realize I have figured out why she is crying yet and so she continues to cry (the chin quiver is the absolute worst!)

Since she was born I have said the same thing to her in this situation- Once she starts nursing and calms down I will tell her "see, I knew what you needed. I'm going to take care of you sweet baby, you don't have to worry"

Of course the Holy Spirit totally checked me the other day as I was saying this to her. We were in the car and were on the way to a place where I could feed her. I was trying to explain to my crying baby that we were on our way and it would just be a couple more minutes, but of course she couldn't understand why there would be any delay. All she could see was I was sitting next to her doing nothing as she cried to me for milk.

While at the moment, I don't feel like I'm presently at a place where God comes through and there is relief from the crying. But there have been many times like that in the past that I should remember. Times where he has said to me "See? I knew what you needed. I'm going to take care of you my child, you don't have to worry"

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About a month 1/2 after writing this I am a little discouraged that I feel like I am still in the same place as I was then. I have realized my life is a nomadic one, and not just for myself, but also for my family. I'm comforted, however, because I know my love for this baby girl is far far far surpassed by God's love for her and for me. And if my heart is torn to pieces when ever she is in any level of pain, and it sends me rushing to help- I am without doubt that God's love for me moves him into action as well.

But- just like Kyra was not understanding of why I couldn't just feed her while we were driving, I have no more capacity to understand why God responds to my need in the way or in the time that he does.

I simply have to trust him the way my baby girl trusts me.

Profound.
Thank you Lord for speaking to me through my daughter.

journey

So posting in this blog only once every month or two really makes time feel like it has flown by! My student status officially ends in 2 weeks and I will hopefully pick up the pace with blog posts (for all who are interested and for my own enjoyment!)


Reflecting on this past year it seems as though many seasons are soon coming to an end and  new chapters are about to be written. To name a few- baby girl will be here in about 8 weeks or so! And in just over 2 weeks I will complete my masters degree. Summer has always been a time of pause and restart for me- mostly because of my long standing "student status". Transitions are always an interesting time in life that it seems God really takes advantage of to teach us to rely more heavily on him.

I can't say that this season of change hasn't presented some great challenges- but in the midst of struggle I heard a message preached that really shaped my thinking. Billy Huddleston (website) recently spoke at my church about the Psalm 37 highlighting verse 4. There is SO MUCH in this psalm that is just remarkable and life giving (read it here), but his message on verse 4 really spoke to where I was sitting that night.

Psalm 37:4

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 

I have heard and quoted this verse for years. My theological understanding was that God knows the desires of our hearts and either fulfills them or removes them. Of course scripture does not say that- but logically it made sense. So that is what I believed. But really what is being said is far from that.

To summarize a more lengthy message that he preached, here is what he said: the two key words here are delight and desire. To understand the passage, we have to understand these two words.

Billy used the ipad dictionary app as a simple definition resource. Here is how it defines delight and desire.

Delight
1. A high degree of pleasure or enjoyment
2. To take great pleasure
3. To gain satisfaction from   

Desire
1. An expressed wish
2. A longing or craving
3. That which satisfies

Replacing these two words with their definition is really eye opening, but the pairing that really challenged my original understanding of the passage was the last two definitions:

Gain satisfaction from the LORD and he will give you that which satisfies.

In addition Billy said that to make "desire" plural is a poor translation. He suggests that in the original Hebrew text "desire" is not plural, but singular and could more specifically be translated as that which you want most.

So in my journey I realized that what I have desired most are things that do not satisfy and yet I have expected God to give me those desires because I have sought him and have followed him. But the message here is not "follow me and I'll grant your wishes", rather it is (to paraphrase) "Find your joy in me and I will be enough for you"

shaken

^{My heart is overwhelmed. 
As a counselor I am often helping others deal with stress, anxiety, fear and anger...and yet as I feel these things so deeply I cannot do anything but sit in them. I have been shaken to the core and am grieving the many losses that result from my circumstance. And so all I know to do is to turn back to my Lord and ask "why". I am so glad is big and mighty and can handle my questions and my pain. 
I am certain everyone who has lived has experienced pain and my words are not falling on unknowing ears. I find myself desperately wanting to believe the words of Psalm 27. Lined with reassurance, pain, grief, fear, hope, peace and desperation; here are the words of David:}

^{Psalm 27}

¹ The LORD is my light and my salvation—
   whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
   of whom shall I be afraid?

 ² When the wicked advance against me
   to devour me,
it is my enemies and my foes
   who will stumble and fall.
³ Though an army besiege me,
   my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
   even then I will be confident.

 ⁴ One thing I ask from the LORD,
   this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
   all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
   and to seek him in his temple.
⁵ For in the day of trouble
   he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
   and set me high upon a rock.

 ⁶ Then my head will be exalted
   above the enemies who surround me;
at his sacred tent I will sacrifice with shouts of joy;
   I will sing and make music to the LORD.

 ⁷ Hear my voice when I call, LORD;
   be merciful to me and answer me.
⁸ My heart says of you, “Seek his face!”
   Your face, LORD, I will seek.
⁹ Do not hide your face from me,
   do not turn your servant away in anger;
   you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
   God my Savior.
¹⁰ Though my father and mother forsake me,
   the LORD will receive me.
¹¹ Teach me your way, LORD;
   lead me in a straight path
   because of my oppressors.
¹² Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
   for false witnesses rise up against me,
   spouting malicious accusations.

 ¹³ I remain confident of this:
   I will see the goodness of the LORD
   in the land of the living.
¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
   be strong and take heart
   and wait for the LORD. 

 

advent

So I was aware it had been awhile since I posted...but November 19?? Thats pretty bad. Well perhaps not- life has been pretty intense the last few months and thankfully it is just now slowing down to a much more manageable pace. (this of course only happened through diligence, not luck!)

The holidays were wonderful- Advent this year took on a new meaning for me as I realized, perhaps for the first time, what advent is and means.

"Advent reminds us there is Joy in waiting...Advent is about Hope...Advent is about expecting, waiting, hoping and praying....rejoice; don't loose heart" 

These phrases (taken from an amazing video click here!) for some reason blew the lid off of all I had previously thought about advent and presented a new and somehow refreshing challenge to relieve myself of the secular stresses of Christmas and instead celebrate Advent. Unintentionally we were so busy between the holidays that we did not put up a single Christmas decoration! This was rather depressing to me, and I can't be honest and say that I really embraced all those messages quoted above- but interesting how even without the decorations Christmas still came and was experienced. So for next year I am challenged to consider how we can celebrate Advent more than the American Christmas with which I am more familiar. 

No- I'm not going to forsake decorations or discontinue gift giving- but perhaps a new emphasis on hope, anticipation, praying, joy even in waiting and rejoicing - and maybe our hope won't be for the items on our Christmas list, and the anticipation won't be for Santa and the praying will be less for ourselves and more for others, and joyful waiting allow for a new work in our hearts to be possible and as we rejoice it will be not just for family and all we are blessed with- but rather we will rejoice that God is Emmanuel, that he is Lord and is present in our time of greatest blessing and in our greatest suffering! How amazing that the hope he gives and the joy he gives transcends all circumstances! Praise be to God!! 


Ok- two of my favorite moments from Christmas. The best was in two parts: 1. Hearing my grandmother read the Christmas story from the bible on Christmas morning. There is just something about the way she reads that makes me excited and reminds me of listening to her recite the 23 psalm when I was a kid. 2. Hearing my grandfather very tearfully read a poem he wrote about hope- seeing his heart as he read was something I will never forget. 


Second favorite memory (among many great memories) was very simple, but it is these simple things I miss every day with my little sister because of the distance that separates me and my family. We made cupcakes :o) 

Gratitude

For Thanksgiving most years my mom puts me in charge of the table decorations. 2 years ago I put a bunch of branches together and asked everyone to write on a card something they were thankful for and hang it on the tree.

 This year I have decided to change it up a bit and use quotes and scripture verses with mason jars and candles. I never really know how these things are going to turn out, but I thought for now I would share the quotes and verses I have picked and will be using:

"Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" -2 Corinthians 9:15

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more." -Melody Beattie

"Give Thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God is Jesus Christ for you." -1 Thessalonians 5:18

"It is not happy people who are thankful, it is thankful people who are happy." -unknown

"I thank him who has given me strength, Jesus Christ our Lord" -1 Timothy 1:12

"What if tomorrow you woke up with only the things you thanked God for today?" -unknown

"Do not be anxious about anything bit in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God." -Philippians 4:6

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." -John F. Kennedy

"I thank my God always when I remember you in my prayers" -Philemon 1:4

"And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful." -Colossians 3:15

My 6 year old sister at the time wrote this card- precious!

"But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." -1 Corinthians 15:57

"You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God." -2 Corinthians 9:11

"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the father through him." - Colossians 3:17


While the dictionary.com seems to think thanksgiving is a noun, I have to disagree and say that it is a verb- it is an action. Notice how the various definitions below all require action...and how it is clear who we are thanking...

thanks·giv·ing

  /ˌθæŋksˈgɪvɪŋ/ Show Spel[thangks-giv-ing] noun

1.

the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors, especially to God.

2.

an expression of thanks, especially to God.

3.

a public celebration in acknowledgment of divine favor or kindness.

4.

a day set apart for giving thanks to God.

I hope your Thanksgiving day is full of more than food, traditions, shopping and football- but that the greater part of the day will be spent in reflection of God's grace and giving thanks for the many things you are blessed with. 

simplicity

I ran across this verse today in 2 Corinthians 1:12...

"...the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God" (ESV)

Simplicity and Godly Sincerity.

There is a lot I "need" to blog about- photography, craft projects, life experiences, books I'm reading ect. But even before all that I must add this to my snippits. Its a verse to mull over and ultimately (hopefully) live by.

As I continue in this journey of faith I am continually confronted with how simple God makes things and then how we complicate it. By the grace of God the testimony of our conscience is that we behaved with simplicity and Godly sincerity. Its amazing how many other things are covered by doing those two things.

This verse reminds me of Micah 6:7-9...
"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Its uncomplicated. Maybe its not simple in action- but it is simple in concept. And possible through God's grace.
Another moment in scripture like this is when Jesus identifies the greatest commandment:

"One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

 Love God. Love Each Other. Live Simply. Have Godly Sincerity. Walk Humbly. Act Justly. Love Mercy.

Its simple in concept, but requires God's grace in action.

ish and isha

Then the man said, "This one at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. This one shall be called Woman (isha) for from man (ish) she was taken". Genesis 2:23

How beautiful is that?? Of course my favorite part is when Adam says "AT LAST"! I began to understand this verse better after Kevin and I got married. Ephesians 5:31 says “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” It is as if God separated the woman from the man, literally taking her from his flesh, then gives her the decision to join back with the man to become one again! How beautiful is that?

I love to think of relationships as a dance- the man leads the woman who must choose to follow. There is so much care and respect in dancing- so much gentleness and oneness.
Its even further amazing that in scripture there is an analogy of the church as the bride of Christ- and in the same way we see Jesus Christ desiring to lead us, but never forcing. When we look at the relationship between Christ and the church in the same way as a man and woman, Ephesians 5:24 is read less defensively: "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."  

I am so thankful for my husband, and am loving this dance :o)